I was only five years old when I got into trouble because I told my teacher what my mother and her co-parents had been saying about their observations of her (my teacher’s) not-so-nice demeanor. Call it a traumatic experience (I think so, too…) but a lot of times, what I have become (silent/melancholic) has saved me from unnecessary skirmishes and hair-pulling incidents that my contemporaries easily get into.
I became this monster — one who wouldn’t speak unless spoken to, and one who’d rather write her thoughts than speak them out. Being on silent mode most of the time developed my observation muscle — I have become a keen perceiver of people’s behavior. That’s nice, but not until I realized I have leveled-up into another type of monster — the silent and perceptive/intuitive pen-wielding type who’d live and die a recluse given enough encouragement from embittered old maids.
Teaching kids taught me to loosen up a bit and have fun. Working with marginalized groups also taught me to speak for others who cannot speak for themselves. I learned to write with a purpose, and I learned to write with passion. I learned to read the Word of God and to understand the creative divine process as He makes things beautiful in His time.
At times I am reprimanded for being lazy, sullen, mean, scared, melodramatic, overly emotional, apathetic, detached, careless, cranky, impatient, tactless, sloppy, mundane and a combination of all of these, but I am learning… Indeed, I am a work-in-progress, but by God’s grace, I am getting there.
I feel weird when I don’t have a pen and paper inside my bag, or when bereft of any device or gadget on which to write/record/save my thoughts. – rvm
I was taken aback by a question a few days ago, and it has never left my head since. The query obviously evolved into a personal puzzlement that I must write down to make sense of. That’s just me.
I have dug into many books during the course of my twenty-something existence, but I cannot, try as I might, summon enlightenment from them. This makes me feel uneasy. Does it mean I’ve been spending money, time and effort on many subjects that cannot offer me even a sliver of a tangential answer to one core issue in my life?
One guy asked me to identify the characteristics that my ideal man must have, and from the look on his face, I sensed that I must have given him an answer that most guys would never expect from women in their late twenty-somethings already, but I said it. His amazement was contagious, and I got it after much mulling over.
“He must be a Christian,” I said and I added: ”He must be better than me in every possible way…” He gasped. Poor guy.
At least I should have been rewarded for my honesty, but he probed deeper, as if what I have just said was immediately adjudged a wrong answer. I felt hurt. What’s wrong with my standard?
My sister reprimanded me later that day and said it’s impossible to find such a guy. Another friend of mine laughed at me and said I was asking for an extinct species! I have great hope in God that such a person exists, for I admire his craftsmanship — surely, He’s got that guy in store for me! Likewise, I have great respect for the pursuits of men in improving themselves to become today’s Henry the Eighths whenever they can, I mean, come on, they now even go for facials! So, if they can engage in such painful endeavors as facials, surely, they could have at least read The Republic, quote Shakespeare, preach the word of God, play the piano, the guitar and drums, and thumb through pressing issues without difficulty, aside from showbiz news. All I was saying was, I had in mind a guy who is stronger than me , sings better than me, writes better than me, speaks better than me, cooks better than me, hence, smarter than me.
I admit I scared that guy away, for he said it was impossible. I am confident he is not asking such questions for his own account, because he’s married and he is my friend. I presume he inquires out of curiosity.
“It’s impossible,” he said.
Maybe I was waiting for my philosopher king , a guy that belongs in the ruling class of Plato’s dream society that never saw light beyond the pages of his philosophical treatises. I spelled impossibility in so many words.
But he did not give up, so he asked me again, and I felt the need to clarify, for my own benefit. Realizing the futility of my search (for no one person is ever better in every possible way than another), I rephrased my response and said: “Okay, I want someone who is better than me when it comes to the Bible and Christian pursuits.” I noted his agreement. Perhaps I came up with a practicable answer, finally!
Is it because I still do not know that’s why I cannot have? God, I must admit, is so wise. He is never in the habit of condoning the wishes of impulsive ladies like me; He must constantly save me from my own devices.
Hence, my prayer is this: “Let me not have, until I know for sure what I need, in accordance to Your will.”
Having said that, all I have to do is wait as I keep still and let Him be God. I’m saving my other questions for another post. The title of my post only makes room for one question. Alas, I am but human, too, like the man I must decide to love, whoever he is. I can only think deep into one question at a time.#